Day 55 - Tuesday 31st August 2010

Well, what a struggle today has been. Left arm has been totally useless in work mode and trying to type has proved ridiculously impossible with no spaces between words. Having to go back time and time again to put in the spaces! How frustrating is that for a usually competent touch typist?

I am only hoping that the reduction in steroids has not caused this problem as I seriously do not want to put the dosage back up again and will resist that at all costs. I have to say that "Balloon lady" is looking more the order of the day at the moment and - yes I know I said I really don't care about putting on weight and that is true - however the bloated feeling is very uncomfortable and hard to cope with.

Still positive in thinking the normality is going to kick back in and it is going to be sooner rather than later.


Photo: Saturday 21st August 2010

Day 54 - Monday 30th August 2010

Bank Holiday Monday. That's it - the two weeks of continuing radiotherapy is supposedly over. I have to admit, the last two weeks have really dragged, but finally got here. Can't say that there is any noticeable improvement in my state as yet but let's be sensible and positive about this - it is going to happen. A reasonably good day all in all.

One week of the reduced steroids and with no effects that I can spot, I have been told that I can reduce them once again for another week. So day one of another halved dosage. Let's see what happens during the next week.

Decided to raid the wardrobe today and try and find something to wear for the forthcoming get together and what a laugh! Well actually not so much of a laugh. If there was any question that I have piled on the pounds - thanks to the steroids - then the mountain of clothes on the bedroom floor today just signed and sealed the moment! Glad to say I finally found something to wear but if I put on any more weight there may have to be another re-think!

Photo: Sunday 29th August 2010

Day 53 - Sunday 29th August 2010

A quiet restful day at home with the family today. Regretfully I was not up to doing much at the start of the day but have had no headaches or nausea and once again improvement has come later in the day - well at least there has been improvement together with some late sunshine and some fantastic cloud formations - am I the only one to have noticed those?

Finally a huge task is completed - all the name labels are securely in Toby's new uniform - lost count how many I sewed in - it was a lot - but all done now - Phew!

You know I don't even remotely glimpse at my horoscope usually, but I happened to see it in this week's You magazine:

"Don't let partners and colleagues make you work faster this week. Keep plodding along at your regular pace and everything that has to get done will get done right. Too many people nowadays are happy producing shoddy work. Someone has to keep standards high, and that someone is you."

Well I couldn't have said it better myself !!!!


Photo: Sunday 29th August 2010

Day 52 - Saturday 28th August 2010

Oh and it had promised to be so good .... But no. A few steps back today - aaarrrrrghhhhhh! Firstly, woke with a really bad headache and had to take some paracetamol to shift it. Then, pretty much all day had the spaced out feeling back and unable to do much at all except rest up. The heady feeling started to subside at around 5.30 pm - hopeless - well what use is that to a day? Totally none!

Am very disappointed but not disillusioned - I have to realise that I am not in control of "it" - as much as I want to be of course. I am giving myself some slack and thinking positive for tomorrow - what else should I do? Exactly.


Photo: White tiger - just to cheer me up!

Day 51 - Friday 27th August 2010

Another reasonable day today - about the same as yesterday. A headache took a while to shift but I resisted taking any tablets and after a good rest, it dissipated. Looks like this is the improvement I have been waiting for and with a long weekend coming up, it's "looking good Houston".

So, the sun isn't shining and we have had plenty of rain - not everyone's idea of a good time I know, particularly as this is supposed to be "Summer" but just take a look at the lovely green gardens we have now. It is very green and beautiful. Nature is wonderful isn't it? You just have to take a peek every now and then to appreciate it.

Photo: Mr Blue Sky

Day 50 - Thursday 26th August 2010

Day 50 - now that's a nice rounded figure.

Well, guess what? I have actually felt a little better today ! Yep yep yep.
The spaced-out feeling has not been quite as bad - not a major shift but definitely noticeably better. Downside though, it has been replaced with a little nausea and a little headache - not enough of a headache to have to have to take tablets. I am so hoping this is the start of an upward lift - what am I saying - hoping - this is definitely the start of improvement in my state - that's better. Patience is a virtue so they say and it has finally paid off! Pleased pleased pleased - let's see what tomorrow brings now and keep the upward momentum going now - yessirreee.


Photo: Toby & Cory - 10th April 2005

Day 49 - Wednesday 25th August 2010

Step by step, closer and closer, another day down ...

I don't seem to have said much lately about my wonderful husband and beautiful boys. Maurice says that this is all about me and what I want. Well, actually it would be nice to be totally selfish and think that, but that really isn't the case now is it? Our marriage is a partnership and as such we are in this together. I kind of feel that I have, in a stupid way I suppose, the easy option and I am the one leaving him to cope with everything. Quite a task with two boys and a business to run. While I am sure he is capable it is a huge thing to take on on one's own isn't it?

The boys, well what more can I say about my beautiful boys? It is quite extraordinary how they seem to have matured over the past few weeks and instead of ending up fighting are more "together" with one another and supportive and even considering one another - now there's a first. I am so proud of their new caring attitude towards each another and hope that this closeness continues to develop as we go forward.

Photo: 10th April 2005 - Day discovered lump in breast.

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Day 48 - Tuesday 24th August 2010

Another day ticked off - slowly slowly getting there. Still same side effects - not going to go over them again. Forgot to mention that I have been given permission to reduce the steroids by half - slashed from yesterday - just like that ! So back to the dose that I was originally taking at the beginning. Have been told that it is a matter of seeing how this will affect me, so am mindful they may have to be increased but day two of reduction and no problems at the moment and positive thinking means there won't be will there now? What will that mean then? Maybe I will start losing weight now ! Ha ha ha ha ... perhaps not - would be nice to think so, but major effort will be required on that one methinks and not something I want to tackle right now. Does anyone care if I am as big as a house? Certainly not me anymore - there's more to life isn't there!

Photo: August 2004 - Buzz Lightyear and Woody in Disneyland Paris

Day 47 - Monday 23rd August 2010

Well here we are one week in, so made it to half way and the radiotherapy will carry on working for another week - just another week and I seriously want some normality back. I know I have said it before but this is driving me crazy, not being "on the ball" - so frustrating. Everything, and I mean everything, is taking so long to do and concentration is an issue. Onward - let's get this next week out of the way and aim to get some "norm" back.

Had a visit from a Macmillan Nurse today, very supportive and will come out whenever I need them to or just be at the end of the phone. Loads of services to avail myself of it I want to - like a Day Centre that I could go to - well perhaps - never say never. Might be good to talk to other people in the same boat as me. I am not, in any way shape or form, taking anything away from my great network of friends and family but I am sure you will appreciate that talking things through with someone who knows exactly what I am going through might be good for me.


Photo: November 2002 - Toby & Cory

Day 46 - Sunday 22nd August 2010

Well, well, well, what do you know? Our dog knows I'm sick! He really does. Now I do seem to remember reading somewhere that animals have a keen sense of illness. Well, now I know it's true, they do. As you probably know Springer Spaniels are a very boisterous and bubbly breed, always on the go and our Roma is no exception. Whenever I would go out into the garden he would always bound up ever ready for some fuss and attention. However, he is different with me now. He is very gentle and just comes and sits quietly by me and actually avoids eye contact with me.

Animals, don't you just love 'em? Well, maybe not everyone I guess but that brings me to the wildlife in the world that is ever under threat from Man's intervention. I love big cats, always have and in particular tigers - white tigers - and snow leopards. Isn't it such a shame that there appears to be only a minority of caring people in the world that are trying to save such impressive animals - and there are so many different species, large and small, that are disappearing every single day. I can't even begin to imagine what the world will be like for generations to come - where will it end? - no natural habitats or wildlife to speak of? Sad what Man can do isn't it?


Photo: Sunday 8th August 2010

Day 45 - Saturday 21st August 2010

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, what a disappointment I have had ... A seizure yesterday evening lasting about three minutes. I am so disappointed with that. What is happening? The treatment is supposed to carry on working and I would have thought that would mean the seizures would stop. Well, obviously not.

Was looking forward to the weekend and am disappointed to have had a very slow morning - again ! This is so frustrating.

Took the boys for a much needed haircut and it was quite an effort - sounds mad doesn't it - being driven around and then a short walk - anyone can do that can't they? For someone like me that usually has so much get up and go this state is driving me crazy. Where is normality? Hopefully waiting at the end of this two weeks. I can't bear to think that I won't feel my old self again at some point - in fact - STOP - I am not even going to think about it and tempt fate !


Photo: Saturday 21st August 2010 - Toby & Cory

Day 44 - Friday 20th August 2010

Oh, frustration, frustration, frustration ! Have not felt great today, spaced out and slow, slow, slow. Am so desperate to get back to normality but it has only been a few days since the last zap so I guess my "Little Miss Impatient" side is coming through loud and clear - perhaps not so "little" at the moment though with all the yummies I have been snuffling !

Have been thinking too about how I have got to this point.

Five years ago when the breast cancer was discovered and the breast removed as a matter of course they checked the lymph nodes. There were half of the nodes infected. I was told at that point - half is borderline so I would have chemo as a precautionary measure, then radiotherapy as a precautionary measure and finally the, at the time, new wonderdrug Herceptin as a precautionary measure. All precautionary. I just had to do my five years and I was home free. To now be told by my consultant that there are an increasing amount of patients coming back with brain tumours following similar treatment is just unbelievable. Apparently, neither chemo nor herceptin treats the blood to the brain. Well you would think when you lose your hair with chemo that your whole head is being treated wouldn't you? Funny thing, I always wondered if there might be a rogue cell floating around somewhere - hey why did I ever think that?

Strange but true though - you might remember that I had a nasty fall flat on my forehead some months ago. I couldn't shake the headache off and my doctor sent me to hospital with a suspected fractured skull - I had a CT scan to the head. You know what? That CT scan was totally clear - there were no tumours evident then - I have seen the pictures. So is Cancer triggered? I believe it is and that fall was my ultimate undoing.


Photo: July 2007 in Portugal

Day 43 - Thursday 19th August 2010

Can I ask a question? Well of course I can, this is my blog and I can say whatever I like !

Has reading my blog changed your way of thinking of life? It would be lovely to think that I have made a difference even if it is in a miniscule way - would make my journey all the more worthwhile. I do hope that it has made you think about things a little more, maybe not in a life-shattering way but just to be mindful that life is very precious. I know, I know, everyone knows that - but do we really ever really think about it? No-one knows what's round the corner do they? Anything could happen. In fact, I almost feel lucky in that I have been given time to appreciate everything and given some time to do things that I want to do. Some people have sudden accidents and leave this world without being able to say goodbye to their loved ones and perhaps not do things they wished they had done. Don't get me wrong, I really don't have a list of things that I am going to "tick off" - that's not the point - just enjoying time with my wonderful husband, beautiful sons, family and friends will be sufficient for me - oh and perhaps some luxury weekends away thrown in for good measure !


Photo: June 2004 - Toby & Cory at home

Day 42 - Wednesday 18th August 2010

Have had some great comments about the new hairstyle - aaww thanks everyone.

Another milestone - four weeks since I was given the news. Doesn't seem like four weeks does it? So much has happened including the launching of this dinosaur of a blog. There are, as I understand it, so many people reading my blog - and some of those people don't even know me(!) I feel quite a responsibility to keep it up to date - quite the little project for me. Nice to know that people find it interesting enough to take a peek at how I am doing.

Found my Will the other day. We made them some while ago now and - what do you know? Seems I decided back then that I wish to be cremated. I don't remember doing that but that's fine - one less thing to have to think about. Not going any further than that at this point - I am going to be around for a good while yet before I need to think about arrangements for the funeral - so not going there!

The day has been reasonably good, a little fuzzy in the morning but following a good rest after lunch, felt somewhat better and almost normal. No sign of the side effects - on a roll !

Photo: February 2010 - in Egypt

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Day 41 - Tuesday 17th August 2010

What a day - got a new haircut ! Hope you like it.

Feeling reasonably okay today too. No sign of the side effects so far ... so let's keep it going.

At times like this it is inevitable that thoughts turn to anything and everything. Biggie question ... is there something else after life here? Well, I know that those with religion, including my husband, will say for sure there is. For me - as Maurice says "the biggest atheist he knows" he says it is far too late for me to be thinking about taking on religion, and I accept that of course. It would be nice to think there was something more though. My Dad died at home and I remember when I went in to see him after he had left us, it was quite strange in that his empty body shell was laying on the bed but there seemed to be something missing - his spirit and soul had left perhaps.

My Dad was a keen gardener and used to dig the garden often. Of course, Robins are likely to be around when gardeners are digging the garden, that's not news. I have always wished that my Dad could have seen me settled with Maurice and of course Toby and Cory - how he would have loved them. Strange but true that since we have lived in this house, more than a little regularly I see a Robin in the garden - just when I happen to look out of the window - I never look for them but they just appear - often. At the risk of you thinking that I have lost the plot(!) I like to think that is a sign from my Dad that he knows and that is comforting to me. Just as an aside - in the radiotherapy unit there is a TV screen showing different scenes and wildlife and guess what came up - you got it - Robins!


Photo: Tuesday 17th August 2010 - my new haircut - taken by Toby

Day 40 - Monday 16th August 2010

Done it, made it, last radiotherapy session today - yippeeedooooooo. Feels so good to get that over with. Am told side effects will kick in now - nausea and headaches mainly.
Whoa! Hair is falling out in handfuls! Good job I have an appointment at Carpenters in Maidstone tomorrow morning to look at some wigs - looks like that was a timely move.

Now, while everyone has been so supportive and the offers of help have been overwhelmingly generous, I want to say a special thank you to my friend Janet who has taken me to the hospital everyday for the past two weeks. I could have had hospital transport but she cleared her diary so that she could take me and I must admit it has been lovely travelling with a friend to the dreadful "zap zone".


Photo: Monday 16th August 2010 - Last hospital trip

Day 39 - Sunday 15th August 2010

A very disappointing day today. Having planned for a lovely stop-at-home day to enjoy some time with my three guys, I found that my head was totally out of it and I just couldn't get into the swing of it at all - so frustrating. A kind of spaced out feeling and totally disorientated - aaarrrgh ! I am supposing that is the side effects of the radiotherapy and they say that the effects will carry on for another two weeks following my final zap tomorrow - I am so looking forward to the end of the next two weeks and hopefully get some normality back.

So, Maurice and the boys spent some time in the garden doing a few little jobs and riding their bikes while I looked on from the conservatory.

Toby and Cory have been nagging me to look at their school books since end of term and I managed to get to them today. As it turned out their work is fantastic and a delight to look through with lots of praise from the teachers - I am a proud Mum - handsome and clever - what a combination !

Photo: Sunday 15th August 2010 at home

Day 38 - Saturday 14th August 2010

Busy day today. Needed to get football boots for Toby and school shoes for Cory, plus some other things for school, so headed out and must admit the trip took its toll a little. Was exhausted when we got home and had to have a long lay down - how pathetic is that after a stint of shopping!


Have been doing some tree spotting on my journeys lately. Trees are so beautiful, the shape, colour and even the size of some of them - they are truly amazing. Rainforests spring to mind here - why oh why can't something be done to save them - it is so sad what is being done to the planet.



Photo: July 2009 - Toby with mature nut tree in France

Day 37 - Friday 13th August 2010

Friday the 13th ! Anything could happen. Good news though. Have felt almost myself today - just a little bit fuzzy. A reasonably good day and with two days off the treatment for the weekend - am looking forward to a lovely couple of days with Maurice and the boys. Just one more frazzle on Monday and that's the radiotherapy finished. It may be that I get zapped again later on perhaps with gamma radiation but we will have to wait and see what the oncologist says about any further treatment when we meet him on 6th Sept.

Feel a little more positive now knowing the results of the scans and am feeling quietly confident that positive thinking and attitude and a good sense of humour will stretch my time because, apart from that little problem in my head and the even smaller problem on my lung, I am pretty healthy - and don't forget young - well youngish !

Have resigned myself to the fact that the Daihatsu Copen will have to go. There really isn't any way that I am going to be driving it. All the best laid plans and all that ... the idea was that when Toby went to Grammar, I could take Cory to school in it - Cory loves that car and was so looking forward to that. Sorry Cory. So..... a little red convertible is up for sale to anyone that might be interested. 2008 model (58) has only done 1300 miles and has one year's manufacturer's warranty remaining. A really nippy fun car with a 1.3 engine and a first class alarm to keep it safe. For more details either contact me or Mark at Orchard View Garage (01622 814204).


Photo: Saturday 7th August 2010

Day 36 - Thursday 12th August 2010

8 out of 10 radiotherapy sessions done - only two to go now - on the home straight.

Update: Kings have declined to perform the biopsy to confirm whether the tumours are melanoma or breast cancer. Without the confirmation there is no possibility of getting the new drug that treats brain tumours. Having said that, the drug would only give up to 4 months respite anyway. Would I really want to put myself through all the trauma for that? I don't think so.
Results of Bone scan - clear. That's good. CT scan showed small tumour to lung - about a centimetre. What did I say? Worried about it being elsewhere? Why am I always so damn right! However, it is the brain tumours that will kill me, so a little ole tumour on the lung really isn't much to worry about now is it?
Have been told I will have another scan in a couple of months to check out the status of the brain tumours.

This blog. As you know I had the idea of this blog only really as a record for Maurice and the boys to keep. It would seem that almost everyday I am finding out that more and more people are reading it. I find it truly amazing that anyone outside of my immediate family and friends would find anything I have to say even remotely interesting. It is comforting to me to know that so many people care and I know Maurice draws comfort from it too.


Photo: February 2009 - Toby & Cory in Egypt

Day 35 - Wednesday 11th August 2010

Three weeks since I was given the news of the tumours. Three weeks. It sure seems longer than that.

Well, what a day it's been today. Of course the usual radiotherapy appointment - No. 7 done and dusted - just three to go now. MRI scan to head today too. Once again there were problems finding a suitable vein in which to put the canula for the contrast they needed to put in for the scan. And hey what a really noisy machine! Spent 20 minutes in a very confined space with very loud noise that sounded like roadworks and banging. I was even given ear plugs and they did practically zilch - crazy machine.
Once that was over and bearing in mind my full body CT scan was scheduled for tomorrow with yet another canula needed, I asked if they could leave the canula in overnight - great idea I thought! Straight away I was told I couldn't leave the hospital with the canula in, so unrelenting I asked another nurse to check. She checked my schedule and called the CT scan suite and guess what? Got me in for the CT scan today! Didn't expect that, but am now such a pleased bunny that they have both been done. Got to say they have made a real mess of my hand where the canula went in but the swelling and bruising will improve soon enough.

A little apprehensive about results from the scans - really don't want to find any further intrusion anywhere else now do we? And if there is? As Maurice says - how much worse can it get? Well, he's right of course.

So, looking forward now to the end of treatment, just three radiotherapy sessions to go and finished. Yippeedooooo.

Oh and don't forget Ugly Betty is back on tonight too - 9pm E4 - one of my faves.


Photo: Sunday 8th August 2010


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Day 34 - Tuesday 10th August 2010

Well, here it comes I guess - no, not Christmas - the side effects of the treatment! Struggling to do even simple things now. Everything is taking soooooooo long and it is sooooooooo frustrating for me. I am still plodding on though and doing my best. Working is difficult - still have numb left arm and typing is problematic. So glad I got up to date with the work before the holiday.

Took a good look at the house today. I love our house, always have. It took us a long time to find it but it's the perfect family home for us in every way and it's always a joy to come back to and see again. We have lived here for nine and a half years, moved in when Cory was just eight weeks old. Apart from the country lane that doubles as a highway for 40-tonne artics, it is wonderful - I suppose there always has to be a compromise somewhere where houses are concerned.

Ok, so 6 treatments over - 4 to go. Another big day tomorrow - MRI scan to head. Let's keep it rolling.

Photo: Our house in 2003 with the beautiful Cherry Blossom

Day 33 - Monday 9th August 2010

Halfway through radiotherapy - 5 down and 5 to go. A little apprehensive about the side effects that are promised but lets take each day at a time and get through this week first - a couple of scans too this week, so a big schedule to deal with.

And back to work today too. Everything is taking so much longer to do, it is driving me mad not to be "on the ball". Looks like my "superwoman" status may be slipping at last!

Maurice and the boys are being just brilliant. Toby and Cory have noticeably grown up over the past couple of weeks and are doing a great job helping me around the house and without complaining - well most of the time anyway.

I suppose most of us at sometime or another have wondered whether to be buried or cremated. I have done so many times before and never reached a decision. To be honest I never relished the idea of either way and now faced with it front on I still don't want either ! Hey there's no point worrying about that minor detail - got enough on my plate to think about right now!

Photo: Mother's Day 2009 - Treasured gift from Toby

Day 32 - Sunday 8th August 2010

What a lovely day it has been today.
We did have to go and get some of Toby's uniform for the new school and I made the most of the opportunity and bagged myself some bargains too - well I couldn't let the side down now could I? But that didn't take long and we were soon back home and chilling and enjoying the sedate Sunday. Maurice cooked a fab lunch - as always - just a great day.

Wish I could get rid of this disgusting taste in my mouth - thanks to the steroids. I now have a multitude of delicious items that I can chomp on to try and relieve it including thorntons toffee, eclairs, ginger biscuits - I even got some bubble gum and much to Maurice's disgust have already mastered quite big bubbles - hey I might try and go for a record !

Thoughts are trying to turn to next week but am fighting them off until tomorrow. It's going to be hard enough without bringing it on early.

Photo: Sunday 8th August 2010 - at home

Day 31 - Saturday 7th August 2010

One month since the beginning.

It is lovely not having to go to hospital for a couple of days.

I washed my hair today ! Now, in the whole scheme of things that may not seem like big news at all. However, I was told that if I washed my hair I could only use mild shampoo and absolutely no other products as they may react with the treatment. Now girls you know that to style your hair you need products! So me being me and never one to do as I am told decided that if I wasn't going to have treatment for a couple of days, surely a little bit of mousse wouldn't hurt - I can take the consequences later. Oh it feels so much better now.

I have been told that the side effects of the radiotherapy will probably be more evident towards the end of the 10-day treatment and, because it carries on working, for a following two weeks after that. Side effects are hair loss (!) and itchy scalp, neurological problems such as mood swings, memory loss and headaches. Wow, can't wait.

To be honest, I have already noticed that I am very short-tempered and don't have a lot of patience - a bit snappy. In fact I was very rude to someone who phoned the other night at 9.30pm about Parish business and felt so bad had to call back the next day to apologise!

Toby has spent the day with friends today and Cory helped me make a cake.

So for the moment I have lovely clean hair and am sitting with a glass of bubbly, waiting for the cake to finish baking - definitely going to have a piece later.

Photo: Saturday 7th August - taken by Cory

Day 30 - Friday 6th August 2010

What a long day - am very tired. There were delays at the radiotherapy department - there seemed to be a lot of people waiting for treatment today and then the Nuclear Medicine Department had trouble finding a good vein to inject the radioactive liquid - not very pleasant but it was third time lucky. Had to go away for three hours while the juice did its stuff and return for the actual scan. Results of the bone scan will be revealed at the consultant appointment on 6th September.

Must tell you though, got a written apology from the Downs Mail regarding the phone call with some very complimentary remarks too!

Last day of my two weeks' "vacation", so back to work on Monday! Have to say have had better holidays.


Photo: Thursday 5th August - Toby & Cory at home

Day 29 - Thursday 5th August 2010

A bit of a mixed day today as you will see ...

First of all had a great night's sleep last night, thanks to my hubby who spoke to the doctor about my night sleep pattern - waking through the night. I tried a magic pill that knocked me out and kept me out for most of the night and I felt much better rested this morning. It worked so fast that I couldn't even remember getting into bed!

Coupled with that, it would seem the double dose of steroids has finally started kicking in and I am feeling less dizzy, unbalanced and unsteady on my feet - not quite up to dancing yet but where there's movement, there's always hope !

Went for Day three of radiotherapy and got that ticked off. 7 more to go.

The one downside today was that Maidstone Borough Council issued a Press Release stating that all contact with my four Councils until further notice should be via the relevant Chairmen. Didn't know that was coming but I am taking that as a heartfelt helpful gesture from my Councils to try and make life a little easier while I work my notice. However, I then got a call from the Downs Mail trying to get the story !!!!!! Can you believe the Press? Needless to say I sent them away with a flea in their ear telling them to act on the Release - no story from me.

Big day tomorrow, Bone scan. Definitely going to take another magic pill tonight.

Photo: February 2009 - Toby & Cory in Egypt

Day 28 - Wednesday 4th August 2010

Day Two of treatment ticked off. Went like clockwork. 8 to go. Scans are all scheduled now too - Bone Scan, MRI to Head and full body CT Scan all within the next week. I am really getting the works.

Another milestone day - two weeks since I was given the horrible news. It seems like a lifetime has passed since that day already, but as I said before the time can go just as slow as it likes as far as I am concerned.

Time. How many of us really appreciate the value of time? I know in my younger days the focus was very much on money, not time. In the early 90's when I was working in London in the high-pressured corporate finance banking sector, your worth was perceived mainly by what you had, drove, wore and where you were seen to eat! My boss at the time was a super cool networker and knew everyone who was worth knowing. Needless to say it was never a dull moment and with a very swish office suite we regularly had visitors ranging from Saudi Princes, sports celebrities and of course droves of important businessmen. It was a great experience working for him with a salary to match, so I also became one of the elite. But it was also long hours of working with not much time to enjoy the salary I was paid. So, when he left in 1995 on a transfer to Singapore, I decided to throw in the towel and have some time off. His leaving gift to me was an airline ticket to anywhere in the world and I took a trip to Bali, via Bangkok and Singapore.
Of course I lost touch with the buzz of the London lifestyle eventually but imagine my surprise one day a few years ago when I saw his face on TV with written underneath "Shaukat Aziz - Prime Minister of Pakistan". Well you could have knocked me over. Apparently he left Citibank in 1997 at the request of President Musharraf to become Finance Minister and went on to become PM. Actually I always thought he would be Chairman of Citibank one day but I guess Prime Minister wasn't a bad career move!

So, history apart, I think I did come to realise even way back then that time is the most important commodity and you have to do the best that you can to balance the money you need with the way you wish to spend your time.

Having said that, I believe it is not until you are hit with something like serious illness that you look at everything properly. When I went through the first round of treatment five years ago we made a decision that we would make the most of our time from thereon. Well, we did do that for a while but slowly as normality returned our lives slipped back into the old routines and work took over in order that we could afford to do the things that we wanted to do.

Don't get me wrong, money is definitely important and can make life easier, but there are some things it cannot buy you - time, health or happiness.

This time around, well what can I say about this time? I have no regrets at all about what we have done in the past but I do know that every single itty bitty moment from here on is precious to me.

Photo: April 2006 - My three fellas on the beach in Antigua


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Day 27 - Tuesday 3rd August 2010

Well, I guess you are wondering how it went today. Before I go into that, there's something else I must say first ...

I continue to be overwhelmed by the messages of support and outpouring of offers of help and I have received way too many to mention individually. I am very conscious that I have not responded to all that have been sent - please forgive me - but be assured that I totally and wholeheartedly appreciate every message and offer that has been sent. It is truly heartwarming and comforting to know that I have such caring people around me.

Now, back to today. Day one of radiotherapy over. Nine more treatments over the next nine days - a total of ten zaps. The whole brain is zapped, not just the tumours. Encouraging that there are different levels of treatment and I am considered well/healthy/young(!) enough to have the more aggressive 10 days of treatment in one hit. How about that then? Some patients have to stretch the sessions over more time to cope with the dosage. The major drawback is complete hairloss ! Not again! Thinking this time I might invest in a wig and have the hair I always wanted. What colour? Oh, I am so tempted.

So how do I feel after Day One? Very tired but glad to be getting on with it now.
Bone Scan on Friday and MRI Scan to head on 11th.

Roll on tomorrow for Day Two.

Photo: Valentine's Day 2010 - Towel Art - Egypt

Day 26 - Monday 2nd August 2010

Breaking news .... Radiotherapy starts tomorrow. Will have around 10 sessions/zaps to the head over the next couple of weeks or so. A bone scan is also scheduled for Friday, and CT and MRI scan appointments are awaited too. Wow I am getting the works.

Spoke to Oncology re the numbness, seizures and unbalanced feeling and my dose of steroids has been doubled with immediate effect ! I'll be rattling around then with all those tablets in me and no doubt the pounds are going to pile on pretty damn quick. Who saw Eddie Murphy in Nutty Professor? How big can I get? Watch this space.



Photo: Friday 30th July 2010 - Cory and me

Day 25 - Sunday 1st August 2010

Aaaaah! Two small seizures close together at breakfast. What did the Dr. say? It is the brain's way of showing there's a problem. Hello? I think we all know there is by now and certainly don't need anymore hints !

So let's get off the negative and move on to a good fat positive...

Remember me saying that we may have a get together sometime soon? Well, we have booked the Sutton Valence Village Hall for Saturday 4th September from 5.30 pm onwards. An invitation is extended to everyone that knows me who would like to come along and spend some time with me and my three fellas. It would be lovely to see anyone that could make it so even if you can only spend a few minutes in passing, please drop in and say hello. If, however, you would like to stay for a little while longer - that would be great and if you fancied bringing a bottle and having a drink with us throughout the evening - even better.

Formal invitations will not be sent out, so please pass this on to anyone you think may be interested in coming along to see us. All I would ask is that you let me know in any way that you can if you are intending coming - I would hate to be sitting like "billy no mates" in expectation of some guests !


Photo: My angels - August 2004 - aged 5 and 3